Thursday, May 15, 2008

Delusional, again.

I have deluded myself in many ways. Mostly with regards to my children. I have told myself that things get easier as they get older. I've told myself they'll become more self-sufficient as they get older. And the biggest delusion, I've told myself I'll have more time for myself as they get older.

None of these things have come true. You can't wait till they're able to eat on their own so you don't have to feed them anymore. Then you just spend more time cleaning up after them because the post-dinner melee requires a cloth, a broom, a mop and a ton of patience. You can't wait till they start activities so you can see them run and jump and interact with other children, and then you are their taxi-driver, team snack-provider and cheerleader.

With every new stage, there is a new challenge. Them being able to talk, means them being able to talk back. Them being able to play with kids down the street, means them bringing kids down the street back to the house. And with all of this, my continued hope for alone time evaporates.

It's not that I wish away the time that they're little, because that's not it. I'm just continually hopeful that it gets "easier" and "more manageable" and it just doesn't seem to.

And with this denied hope, comes disappointment. Not with my children, but with myself. The state of my house. The state of my pantry and my laundry room. And, not surprisingly, the state of my knitting. I set lofty goals for myself - I'll get this done for mother's day. I'll get these done before the end of May. I'll get either this or this done for a wedding in July. And in the meantime catch up on my sock tally, because at the rate I'm going, I won't get 15 socks done this year, let alone 24, and they sure make good Christmas gifts!


I just have to stop making lists of things to do. I have to appreciate the time I do have to do things I love, like play outside with a Punk and a Stink, and knit, and cook. I can't delude myself anymore. Time is passing, and I don't want it to pass me by.

Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time.


J. said...

Don't worry. Knitting is not a competition. You only have to make yourself happy.

And don't even think about Christmas knitting. Most people don't value handknits and the ones who do care more about your happiness than a pair of extremely well-crafted socks.

Not me, though. I'm all about the socks.

Amanda said...

I've learned that one never ever has enough time but that eventually one learns to stop worrying about it and learns to enjoy every moment fully. (Except of course in terms of having adequate knitting time!)

catknip said...

Big picture! Look at the big picture! See how happy Punky and Stinky are? See how much your husband loves you? That's what matters.

That's pot calling the kettle black BTW.

T. said...

It's really not about the knitting at all. It's just about never getting done what you set out to do. And I just don't see that it will end anytime soon...

J. said...

Um, you have a Masters degree, you are successful at what you do, you have two lovely kids and a husband who loves you. What is it that you're not doing? Whatever it is can't be THAT important.

Jill said...

What J said. Both times.

Screw the Christmas knitting, screw the housework. It's going to be a beautiful weekend. Go play with your boys!

andi said...

I'm so late on commenting on this, but just wanted to say that I loved this post.

I loved J's comment. So, so true. I've given up on having a clean, organized house. I always think - what might I regret on my death bed? And you can bet that a non-clutter-free house and too few knitting projects will not be on that list. Go easy on yourself - you are doing amazingly well at the big stuff that actually matters. :)

T. said...

Thanks for all the reminders about perspective. Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, you know?